Form S-1 Interactive Drafting Guide

A LETTER FROM OUR FOUNDER

It was Thanksgiving, and time to eat. My family was arguing over politics, as is our custom in these rare gatherings. The turkey, my nana’s core product offering, was just fine – the problems were the side dishes. Indeed, so many problems I can scarcely name them all here, but suffice it to say, the gravy was on-premise and over-deployed, the candied yams were more of a bug than a feature, the stuffing was disintermediated, the cranberry sauce was as inexorably inextensible, and the sweet potatoes, heaven help us, the sweet potatoes were effectively noninteroperable. This table was where synergies went to not exist at all. Isolated, carbuncular dishes of asymmetric dysfunctionality and a user base of unhappy clients with no way to efficiently consume them.

And that’s when it hit me, like the apple that fell upon the head of a slightly less great man. I don’t sleep under apple trees like some kind of creepy itinerant 17th-century sheep-stalker; rather, my revelation came from the centrifugal spray of turkey juice as a plate being loaded by different people crisscrossed the group before getting back to weird Uncle Billy. The madness of it all. The lack of infrastructure. The entropy. A plate constellating our dinner table in search of its own bounty reminded me of the chaos of the undiscovered American frontier. Which reminded me of the inefficiency of a square wheel. Which reminded me that I, like Michelangelo, am a perfect circle man, and only that perfect circle sitting at the center of our solar system, whose gravity bends time and space, would solve all the riddles of software, and probably technology writ large, and definitely world hunger, and maybe other stuff, I can’t say. What I can say is that this was the moment Lazy Susan exploded from the universe, through my mind, and, if you are smart, into your humble, return-starved, economically teetering investment portfolio. It was also the night of some extreme gastrointestinal struggles either because greatness is forged in the crucible of digestive anguish or because those baby carrots had long turned bad.

But I am not going to bore you with more about the unparalleled amazingness of Lazy Susan – you can read that in the “Business” section, and by simply reversing the implications of everything said in the risk factors. I am going to tell you the real reason to bet big on this company: Me. The Founder. I have been preparing since I was a young boy to be the kind of iconic billionaire tech mogul that can only come from Lazy Susan being absurdly successful. And that is as important as anything else. Just look at these leading indicators:

• I already fly via private jet because I find public airports unseemly.
• I dropped out of engineering school because I found it trite and schedule-obsessive.
• I already have architectural plans for my home on Mars, where I will host dinner parties with Russian oligarchs and Nic Cage, who is unironically cool again.
• My politics are confusing enough that you can’t really call me anything, except “beyond categorization,” and even that I quarrel with.
• When I was 14, I’d already written a book about the power of will – a combination of Ayn Randian objectivism peppered with controversial aphorisms like “do things faster than physically possible,” and “only apologize to yourself, and only for thinking about apologizing,” and “reject the rejective philosophy of doubt.”
• I believe cats can read the minds of those foolish humans who disbelieve they can.

So, you see, an investment in Lazy Susan is the only way to truly tie yourself to my inevitable personal ascension. Cities will be named after me, and those cities will need opera houses (though I think opera is for the inefficient), and those opera houses will have little books that describe what’s happening between intermissions, and those books will need names to be listed in them. One of those names could be you.

Founder, CEO, Chair of the Board, Softball Team Coach and Star Player, Spiritual Leader

V. Jah Neri
Lazy Susan, Inc